I suppose a lot has happened since my last post but, really, at the same time.... very little has.

I have my 10 year check up Thursday/tomorrow and my 10 year remission date is October 11th. We are all pretty excited. Obviously. Things seem to be ok so i have no worries.

Im currently working at a Haunted house we have here in Birmingham and love it... of course.
The fact that im an amputee really helps out with the make-up and costume etc.. hah

its really so much fun.

I have just started dating again since Matt's passing and have a very amazing boyfriend who understands and listens and was certainly helpful recently when i learned of another friends death.

it certainly doesnt get any easier when one of us passes.. When we all come together like this, though... it doesnt have to be hard. I hope we all keep that in mind. We do have one another.

and well, other than that.... ive got no news.

Ill be sure to update about my appointment soon.

Always.

Beks

I swear one day when Im feeling it.. Ill write about my story..

It alwayeffects me, of course... but since Matt's death last November I havent really talked about it.. to the point that Im not even going to any camps (save Camp SAM's young adult retreat in August) and Im certainly not working any.

Frankly, I feel as though I cannot handle it until Ive totally come to terms with the death of an exceptionally close friend whom I met at a 'Candles for Kids' when I was the speaker.. 7 years ago. He had also survived and was around 21 at the time. He finished treatment and went into remission around 10-11.

Matt and I soon became very close friends in and out of camp and our bonds only became stronger, especially in the past few years before his death... as we had started dating.

I suppose its so hard for me to deal with because he beat cancer.. kicked its ever lovin you know what... and lived his life with many physical problems caused by his treatment and with a small facial 'disfigurement'. His life with that sort of difficulty helped me so much when the time came for me to decide on what to do about my leg.. and it helped me handle it in a way that I believe made me a bigger person. Mind you... not nearly as big as Matt was.

He did so much... beat so much.. and he died because of a car wreck.

I wont go into the details but not only am i still upset, Im also still pretty angry about the way the medics handled it.

When all those things happened to me in January I began to see a therapist, of course, and Matt was obviously talked about a good bit. I have actually coped with his not being here anymore a ton. I finally took the sheets he had slept on out of  my trunk (its kinda like a hope chest.. only.. its not)  and washed them (that might seem weird.. but i immediatly took them off of my bed and put them away.. you know.. they still smelled like him and whatnot and im nuts and didnt want to loose that), I finally took off the ridiculous mood ring he gave me the night we met at Candles for Kids... I put all of his things away.. etc etc etc...

I just havent dealt with the part of him being gone that effects me when it comes to cancer and camp.

I feel as though im closer now that I can even explain WHY i havent written my story for you all and WHY im not going to any camps as a volunteer, didnt sign up for Camp MAD, didnt go to the L I V E strong conference, didnt speak at relay for life... hell, i didnt even go..

the only things i have done in relation to these things is sign up for this and start working on getting involved with i[2]y with my friend Val.

in relation to him, since his death I have spent so much time with the friends he grew up with, the ones I, unlike the rest of our camp 'family', spent so much time with when Matt was alive. For a while it was like i couldnt make myself stop hanging out with them.. like i needed it. however, i think theyd say the same about needed me around then as well. Now, its just natural. They were the only people i could talk to about Matt openly with... and now they are just my friends.. BECAUSE of Matt. We no longer NEED to talk about him like before.. but he does come up.. and they all know why Im not going to camp.

None of this may make any sense to any of you.. and if it doesnt Im going to say that its because you never met him. He was that kind of guy that brought in all the strays in a room and made them feel comfortable with everyone else.. he didnt see what many people first see when they meet someone.. actually. you know what Ill do... later ill post the article written about him in the paper. it does a pretty good job giving the jest of who Matt was and what his importance in the lives of so many was... maybe then itll be clear why I feel this way about all these things.

this thing just ate my blog post. so im going to be less awesome in this one.

im currently without the internet at my apartment so i generally use it while at work on break, after or before... depending.

speaking of, I work at 5pts bar & grill as a hostess. I really enjoy it and I work with a lot of great people...

anyway.

im at my moms right now because I just needed some time to be with family and to go without having to take total care of myself for a bit. why?

a friend of mine- Jordan Sheldon, drown saturday evening in panama city beach. the reports say he 'went missing' however, 2 of our friends were with him and we were well aware even before the body was finally found.

they didnt find him until monday evening.

its been really tough to handle for a lot of us.

his brother went down today to identify him. he will be cremated before he is sent back home.

the whole process is very expensive (as we all know) so this will cut down on some of the expenses... however, a bunch of our friends bands are going to put on a show in which all of the profits will go to Jordans family to help.

its all just crappy.

Ill be going home Thursday. My older brother and I are going to pick up my check, get me some new clothes for the new uniform/dress code at work and get some lunch before I go to work. Spending the day with him has always made me smile. hes one of my bests.

on another note, the first of three sessions for my next tattoo will be this sunday. it will be a pretty long session but probably one of the shorter ones. Ill be getting the outline and a good bit of the shading... each session is 200 dollars. thankfully my arms are small because i really cant imagine how much it would cost or how much time it would take... dang. thanfully, im super pain tollerant and really patient.

its going to be a half sleeve of teh virgin of guadalupe, basically. paul and i drew it together and i had control over the entire design.. of course, paul had input as well. its pretty much going to be the most awesome tattoo ever.

ill post photos as soon as i can...

hope things are good.

love.

I moved into my new apartment this week... because of such things Im pretty much away from the internet unless I mosey around downtown and go to a free wi fi place, so i wanted to let you all know where I am and such.

Things are already getting started on a really good level..

Now, Im just looking for a job and waiting to hear from UAB about transferring.

As for the job situation, I may decide to work as an office girl at childrens here in town. woo! haha

On a totally different note, more relative to this site.. my friend, fellow camper/cancer survivor/councilor at Camp Smile a Mile and I are starting a Birmingham headquarters for I[2]y.

Im really excited about it and Ill be sure to keep you all updated on how things are going when we get rolling.

Hope things are well with you.

Kisses and such.

Beks.

Its definate that my life is in uber transition right now.

To fill those of you that I actually know.. well, I guess.. those i dont know, as well.. in.. ill try to start from the beginning.

On the very early morning of November 11th, my very, very close friend Matt Stutts passed away due to a car accident. Matt was one of those people I had met at an event for childhood cancer when i was about 14. We later discovered that we both attened camp sam and became very close friends... and eventually, we started dating.

He was one of those camp friends that cross over into your 'real' life.

when i get a chance Ill post one of the many articles published about him.

Needless to say, I became very depressed and should have withdrawn from Fall Semester.. however, Im stubborn and didnt and my grades suffered severely. We can just say that my depression made me go to class but not give a shit about what i was doing. As an artist.. this is not ok.

Over the winter break I moved into a different appartment and such but i realized there was no way i could take classes this semester. I withdrew from everything i signed up for and told myself Id just be taking care of me.

This all started out well enough.. however, well.. lets just say I had made a few bad friends.. and one in particular.

She became very jealous that i was managing her ex boyfriends band and told many lies about me.. including that i was sleeping with her ex (this was far from the worst that was said). She even called my boyfriend of nearly 3 years and met up with him in order to tell him lord knows what.. and the next thing i know... he broke up with me.. and hes believing everything she tells him.. even when he's never liked her and thought of her as a liar.

never asking me about anything that was said. I still have no idea what was said, actually.

none of this was very condusive to my state of mind... obviously.

January 19th she brought my roommate out and met up with my ex and they had a little pow wow about all these lies and i suppose they made it their mission to tell all my friends THAT NIGHT.

when my roommie came in she sat down in the sunroom with a few of my friends and I and just started.. i dont know.. stating all these things she thought to be facts and even brought up Matt.. we got into a huge fight.. that because of me.. got physical (mind you, i warned her and she knows im feisty when you cross the line) and she called every close friend we shared and asked them to come over.. it all became a big mess and the friends I had there already apparently were trying to calm things down and clear things up.. of course, that doesnt work..

I ended up attempting suicide that night and spent 3 days in psych ICU. I woke up the second day (I think that was a sunday).. I am not suicidal.. apparently I had a severe nervous breakdown.

I thought id just spend a week at home and go try to put my life back together... however, when I got into the car to go home.. i turned on my phone only to find about a million voicemails and texts.. one voicemail kicking me out of the apartment.. I had to leave by the end of the month.

i just couldnt get a break.. hah. right?

anyway, I moved all my things into storage *in 2 days at the very end of the month.. and moved home. This wouldnt be a big deal, however, I have lived on my own for 5 years.. and because my brothers are home looking for a new place... there are 5 of us in a 2 bedroom apartment.

Im now moving to Bham the 23rd. I applied as a transfer student to UAB yesterday.. however, I still have to get my transcript sent as well as my ACT and SAT scores sent over. Im not really worried about any of those things as I have always been a good student and I made presidential levels on my tests (youre just going to have to ignore my bad grammer in my blogs as I really dont think I should put too much effort into pleasing you all with capital letters, appostophies or correct spelling- i suck at spelling now anyway.. seriously, i was great before chemo)... its still just really overwhelming.

Im leaving the school I started as a freshman, Im moving to South Side (which I love, actually), Ive lost 90% of friends I thought were great (now Ive realized they were pretty much.. well. cunts. And ive got better friends.. and i deserve better friends...), I was supposed to get married yesterday (obviously.. didnt happen)..

ok basically Im starting over and its really been messing with me at the strangest of times.

Im not one to get down or give up when it comes to the future, its just hard without the support ive had for a long time.

Thankfully, I adore my therapist. Hes not easily offended. yay!

Im just trying to keep my head on straight and continue to make the right kind of friends- you know, good ones; paint, draw and take photos when i start to get down.. ok.. lots of things, really.

I suppose there is really no conclusion to this blog.. it was just nice to type it all out I guess...

Happy April 10th, kids.

ps I freakin wish the swimming pools would open...