I swear one day when Im feeling it.. Ill write about my story..

It alwayeffects me, of course... but since Matt's death last November I havent really talked about it.. to the point that Im not even going to any camps (save Camp SAM's young adult retreat in August) and Im certainly not working any.

Frankly, I feel as though I cannot handle it until Ive totally come to terms with the death of an exceptionally close friend whom I met at a 'Candles for Kids' when I was the speaker.. 7 years ago. He had also survived and was around 21 at the time. He finished treatment and went into remission around 10-11.

Matt and I soon became very close friends in and out of camp and our bonds only became stronger, especially in the past few years before his death... as we had started dating.

I suppose its so hard for me to deal with because he beat cancer.. kicked its ever lovin you know what... and lived his life with many physical problems caused by his treatment and with a small facial 'disfigurement'. His life with that sort of difficulty helped me so much when the time came for me to decide on what to do about my leg.. and it helped me handle it in a way that I believe made me a bigger person. Mind you... not nearly as big as Matt was.

He did so much... beat so much.. and he died because of a car wreck.

I wont go into the details but not only am i still upset, Im also still pretty angry about the way the medics handled it.

When all those things happened to me in January I began to see a therapist, of course, and Matt was obviously talked about a good bit. I have actually coped with his not being here anymore a ton. I finally took the sheets he had slept on out of  my trunk (its kinda like a hope chest.. only.. its not)  and washed them (that might seem weird.. but i immediatly took them off of my bed and put them away.. you know.. they still smelled like him and whatnot and im nuts and didnt want to loose that), I finally took off the ridiculous mood ring he gave me the night we met at Candles for Kids... I put all of his things away.. etc etc etc...

I just havent dealt with the part of him being gone that effects me when it comes to cancer and camp.

I feel as though im closer now that I can even explain WHY i havent written my story for you all and WHY im not going to any camps as a volunteer, didnt sign up for Camp MAD, didnt go to the L I V E strong conference, didnt speak at relay for life... hell, i didnt even go..

the only things i have done in relation to these things is sign up for this and start working on getting involved with i[2]y with my friend Val.

in relation to him, since his death I have spent so much time with the friends he grew up with, the ones I, unlike the rest of our camp 'family', spent so much time with when Matt was alive. For a while it was like i couldnt make myself stop hanging out with them.. like i needed it. however, i think theyd say the same about needed me around then as well. Now, its just natural. They were the only people i could talk to about Matt openly with... and now they are just my friends.. BECAUSE of Matt. We no longer NEED to talk about him like before.. but he does come up.. and they all know why Im not going to camp.

None of this may make any sense to any of you.. and if it doesnt Im going to say that its because you never met him. He was that kind of guy that brought in all the strays in a room and made them feel comfortable with everyone else.. he didnt see what many people first see when they meet someone.. actually. you know what Ill do... later ill post the article written about him in the paper. it does a pretty good job giving the jest of who Matt was and what his importance in the lives of so many was... maybe then itll be clear why I feel this way about all these things.